I didn't feel love unless it was painful

 i'll start with the usual. going into the 9th month of this depressive episode. this is the longest one i've been in since i was a suicidal teen. i'm still coping with music. still losing myself in Stray Kids and Ateez. Ateez doesn't hit the comfort button as good as Stray Kids, they still help. i'm also in therapy. that's also helping.   i have other things i would love to write about. like i had a good discussion with my partner about grooming vs brainwashing that i'd love to write down. but i'm in a weird headspace at the moment. so we're gonna go with weird headspace topic. basically this is gonna be Monster simping. a lot. way too much. for reasons i have no clue about. like, this has never been a thing for me. yes, i have kinks. yes, i'm a brat switch who enjoys it way too much. and, yes, i've been slightly deprived in that space due to the current depressive episode and not wanting to trigger memories and my partner not being comforta