oh look, i'm at it again

 

i guess i can't run from everything. i also end up coming back to some. my life is fucked up. memories that i suppressed are coming back because i'm no longer in survival mode. my childhood wasn't good. it wasn't all bad. i do have cherished memories. but some of the memories i thought were good aren't. some of the periods i pushed to the back of my mind and locked behind layers and layers of concrete and steal. survival mode sucks balls.

i went to therapy. it helped. but i'm really bad at therapy. i was trained to be a people pleaser. i was trained to figure out what people wanted and give it to them. my own wants and needs be damned. i'm working on that. 

there was always one constant in my life. one thing that helped more than anything else. one thing that helped me process the chaos in my head. writing. i have so many journals. online and offline.

i'm not posting here again to gain popularity. i don't care about getting famous for my trauma. i don't plan on spreading this around. if people find it, great. if something comes of this, fine. but i'm not pushing anything. my energy can be better used elsewhere. but, i'm putting this online instead of keeping it in a dusty journal because the main reason it took 36 years for me to go to therapy is because i was isolated. isolated by my father. isolated by romantic partners. isolated by friends. no one should feel like they are only on this earth to fill the needs of others.

so i'm unisolating myself. it's not gonna be pretty. there will be tears. there have already been so many tears. i have to learn to cry again. but that's another story that will get told. at some point. because a lot of my trauma deals with who i was raised by and how he tried to train me to be the perfect daughter. to be the daughter who would serve him without question. i've had to unlearn so many things.

i'm not gonna promise that posts will be regular. that's not gonna happen. i'm too adhd for that. i'll try to post happy things to counter all of the negative stuff. i have cats. so, if anything, you'll get cat pictures. i'll also share music that's helping or that i just like. music helps me process my emotions. i'll also prolly share things that help for me. it's not gonna work for everyone, but it works for me. i've had to teach myself how to be a person because i wasn't taught things as a kid.

so welcome to my living nightmare. the dark isn't always bad and the light isn't always good. it's better to live in the grey space between.



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