Gambit-isms

 so i will start out with: yes, i'm watching X-Men '97. no, i am not okay. they are evil, evil people.

now that's out of the way, i am 6 months into my depressive spiral. 6 months into relying on music to keep me sane. yes, it's still majority Stray Kids. i have been able to add some Ateez into the regular mix. and i have been able to have small bits of non-k-pop listening. i'm not as bad as i was before, but i'm no where near where i was before november. i am starting therapy next week, so hopefully the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train.

before getting into the brute of this post, some background. i tend to give things physical aspects in my head to make it easier to deal with. majority of the time, it's brain weasels. Dentist is the head. he's named after Hermey the elf from the claymation Rudolf. and of course everyone needs an Intern. other than those two, the main weasel is Monster. he's the ADHD weasel. really, he's a squirrel, but don't tell him that. He's basically Pil-z from Foamy the Squirrel:

so yeah, Intern and Monster have been putting together puzzles as i slowly put things together. currently there are 3 puzzles: one dealing with my best friend's ex, one dealing with the bad things i'm remembering, and one dealing with why i'm the way i am (i.e. my coping mechanisms, things i like, things i don't like, etc). this particular blog is dealing with a piece from the last puzzle, also considered the good puzzle. 

i tend to find comfort in mannerisms that i found familiar. for the longest time i was calling this things "nathri-isms" after my partner who has been the biggest help in my healing process, way before the current issue. i would find things in media that would comfort me because i attached those attributes to him. he's a good guy. now, i never questioned why i automatically found comfort in him. that never crossed my mind. i just questioned why i would find comfort in these other things after meeting him. and i chalked it up to my brain subconsciously connecting the mannerisms i was seeing in media to his mannerisms.

The most frequent one was Bucky. particularly Sebastian Stan's Bucky. there has been so many viewings of Captain America: The Winter Soldier during my bad times it's not funny. luckily my partner isn't jealous of these. he actually jokes about me watching one of my boyfriends. he's also flat out told me to watch The Winter Soldier because i was having a bad day and needed a pick-me-up. that's just how great he is. going thru FB memories, i can tell the bad days because there's always a post about murder strut:

so, yeah, the mannerisms of Sebastian Stan brought me comfort and i always chalked it up to my sub-conscious connecting it to my partner. 

welp, a month or so ago, my friend asked me why the mannerisms in my partner brought me comfort to the point that i was finding them in other things. i didn't have an answer. it stewed in the back of my head until one day it clicked. the mannerisms. the comfort. all stemmed back to one thing from my childhood. one character who never let me down. one character who was there thru everything. my first love. a demon-eyed thief.

 

everything seems to go back to Remy LeBeau and how i saw him as a kid. he was my safe place. my comfort. his mannerisms. his interactions. i wanted it all. so much, apparently, i sub-consciously searched for him in everything around me.

until november, it was always visual. all the comfort came from visual triggers. somehow, in november, i had my first auditory trigger. and it's weird. because the accents are nothing alike. korean/australian sounds nothing like cajun. but somehow my brain made the connection from some random reel on FB. and the visual triggers just cemented the attachment. and that would be why it's Stray Kids in particular that's been keeping me sane. i tried other k-pop bands early on. the other times i've used music to process things, it's always been genres, not one band. but this time it was one sole band. the other bands i tried didn't trigger the comfort i needed (and still need) like Stray Kids did.

sorry to all my friends who have had to deal with the barrage of Stray Kids. but it's better than me falling apart 24/7. i'm getting better. i promise.

but i'm still made at X-Men 97