why should i be thankful

 

growing up, Thanksgiving was a huge holiday. one of my mom's love languages was feeding people. she was an amazing cook. one of my grandma's love languages was also feeding people. we had good food on holidays. i have a lot of happy memories from my childhood surrounding today.

then why am i so blah today?

i'm remembering no-so-happy repressed memories. i'm questioning how happy my childhood actually was. i'm holding on by a string. why should i be thankful?

the abuser texted me earlier. i deleted it. i can't even call him "father" and he's completely lost the rights of "dad". he abused me and my sister and who knows else. he doesn't deserve to be apart of my life.

so on this day so rooted in family, why should i be thankful when family was my abuser?

i do have things i'm thankful for. i have lights at the end of the tunnel, and they're not trains.

i'm thankful for having a patient partner who is supportive and loving. he knows the bare minimum of what's going on and doesn't push for more. he's waiting for when i'm ready to share.

i'm thankful for having my sister back in my life. the abuser tried his best to separate us, and he was successful for a large chunk of my life. but no more. we're stronger together.

i'm thankful for my chosen family. i can make new happy memories that aren't covering up pain. 

i'm thankful for my cats, one of which is being adorable in my lap right now.


i'm thankful that i can process overbearing emotions with music. there's been a lot of listening to music. currently Stray Kids. i process sadness with k-pop and j-pop and pain/anxiety with electronica. i've been on a binge since last Tuesday (11/14) because that's when i started remembering the bad things and when the timelines connected.

so that's why i'm gonna leave this with. a couple of their videos. because that's what's keeping me sane at the moment.





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