Scars

 weeeeee. we're going into month 3 of music processing because childhood abuse. i have gotten better at telling people. i'm up to 4 who know some of the gorier details. still not up for going back to therapy. something about breaking the abuse test gets to me. it's easier to laugh about it. crying's too hard. too painful. all because the abuser wouldn't let me cry.

that's right, kids. i was punished for crying. it's a sign of weakness. it's pointless. you have no reason to cry. i'll give you a reason to cry. so i became numb. i shut down. i forced myself to not cry. which means now it's physically painful for me to cry. every time i feel like crying, my first reaction is to stop it at all costs. all thanks to the asshole who raised me. who molded me. who made me his toy. his plaything. 

but i have music to help. i can find my emotions in there. i can feel what i can't do. i can feel the words. feel the notes. feel the emotion. my brain can't focus on the words if i don't understand them. except when one listens non-stop for almost 3 months, one gets curious.

yes, i've looks up translations for some of Stray Kid's songs. i've gotten to the point that i can mimic the ones i listen to the most. it doesn't change my ability to process tho. it doesn't change the comfort i get from the music. it doesn't change my ability to feel. it just confirms some of the attachment to some of the songs.

one of those songs being Scars, which opens with words that define my childhood: "i'll never cry because i know that it'll never change". 

that's exactly it. my tears didn't matter to him. he saw them as a weakness. another thing to beat out of me. another thing to break me with. the damage didn't matter. if i didn't feel anything, it didn't matter what was done to me. if i couldn't show my emotions on my face, he didn't have to acknowledge anything was wrong. he didn't have to admit he was a monster. is a monster.

i slowly relearning how to cry. it's still physically painful. i don't like doing it. but i'm trying to delete the automatic shutdown when it does happen. i don't want to be in pain like this. it's not normal. it's not healthy. it's not right. i don't know if i'll ever break it, tho. i don't know if i'll ever be able to cry without being in pain. but at least i'll be able to tell myself it's okay. i'm not weak. he's the monster, not me. you don't have to be numb. you can feel again. it's okay. you're safe. your chosen family will protect you.