open book

 yeah, i'm just gonna stop with the opening i've been doing. it's been over a year. i don't think it's gonna change any time soon. eventually, i'll get out of this depressive episode. hopefully. until then, i'll stay sane with Stray Kids and Ateez and the other music i can sprinkle in. it's not as bad, but it's no where near being good again. therapy helps. the world being on fire doesn't.

but, on happy news before the shit show: i get to see Stray Kids live in June. got my tickets and everything. can't wait to feel their music. that's all i've wanted for months. yes, i can understand the emotions in the recordings, but it's not the same as being surrounded by the music. i just want to get lost and not have to think. i'm so excited. 

in not so happy news: the world is on fire and the country is a shit show. the next 4 years are gonna be hell. and not in the fun party way. like, how did voters look at the options and decide a serial sex offender, lying sack of shit who runs every business into the ground was the better pick to run the country. we barely survived the previous term. how in hell are we gonna survive this one? he's a fucking felon for christ's sake. but he'll protect the whites and the nazis and the straights. you know, all the people who don't have to worry about being shot in the street or their homes or the park. the people who wouldn't know an ounce of persecution if it was staring them in the face, but will cry about how oppressed they are because people hold them to their own moral standards. you know, the standards their jesus preached about. i would say their god isn't too happy with them, but sky daddy doesn't have the best track record.....

sky daddy: i'll give you free will, but scare you into submission

sorry, not my kink. yeah, i'm a kinky bitch, but you gotta earn submission from me. and fear is not the way. brat tamers beware.

so yeah, after the shit show of an election where way too many people showed they're perfectly fine with a sex offender felon who cheats on everything, i kinda had a mental break and stopped giving a fuck. this led to a lot of fun posts on fb that worried more than a handful of people. i'm just gonna repost some of them here cuz they're still valid, even if more than a little morbid. i'm okay. i've just come to terms with my mental health and would rather be an open book than hide it. i want to normalize this being talked about. i want to normalize there are some of us who are constantly at a level 2-3 on the suicide chart because of how young we were when we first became suicidal and our brains just kinda grew with that.

so, yeah, fb post dump before fb daddy decides they need to be removed......



there's a hurricane in the gulf. my joints at screaming. yay loose ligaments. i'm avoiding anything election to protect my own sanity and to not get off this fucking ride. it doesn't matter. not today. not tomorrow. not next week. not next month. democracy is hanging on by a thread and way too many people don't fucking care. me and mine aren't okay. and i don't know how to convince half of the country to be decent human beings and care about others.
i haven't been okay for a year. i'm at the end of my rope, barely hanging on. remembering things from you childhood sucks. having so many black spots also sucks. being scared to remember those black spots sucks. realizing you were groomed and abused by the person who should have protected you sucks. realizing you won't be believed if you say anything sucks. luckily i have people who know what's going on, who believe me, who have supported me. if it weren't for them and my cats and music, i would have gotten off this ride last november. "i'm fine" is such a dangerous lie.
i don't know how active i'll be these next few months. i might disappear. you might just get youtube videos. i'm not okay. i didn't intend to word vomit all of this, but here we are. the world is on fire. democracy is on death row. and way too many people don't fucking care.
check on your marginalized friends. they're scared to death





words i attached to the next picture: fb daddy didn't like my other post regarding this. i still stand by it. i have one emotion right now and it's the only one i was allowed to have as a groomed and abused kid: anger. interact with me at your own risk


 



my comment for the next picture: i will let politics ruin relationships. if you're okay with me and mine losing our rights, losing our safety, losing our lives, then you can get the fuck out of my life. you don't care about me. you don't love me. you put an asshole over me. don't let the door hit you on the way out. or do. i don't fucking care. if you wanted me in your life, you wouldn't support someone who wants me gone. i am pagan. i am pansexual. i am demiromantic. i am a demigirl. i am polyamourous. i am a woman. i am deconstructed from my evangelical christian abuse. this isn't a matter of opinions. i don't care if you like coffee or pineapple on pizza. i'm not going to ruin relationships over pineapple on pizza. i will fucking ruin relationships over someone supporting my demise and the demise of those i care about. i will fucking ruin relationships over you supporting my and my chosen family's destruction. you don't get to claim the moral high ground. you have no fucking morals.


 

 

my post when i share "The Ride" by Amanda Palmer: for those not in the know, this is where i got the phrase "the ride" from. much easier to use than "unalive" or "off self" or any of the phrases that get pinged by fb daddy as bad words. yes, i was so very close to getting off the ride last november when i started remembering and putting the pieces of my childhood trauma together. yes, i was so very close to getting off the ride as i drove home yesterday. yes, i actively tried to get off the ride so many times as a teenager. the world is on fire. we're not okay. i'm gonna go eat uncrustables because Nathri told me i needed to eat something this morning before he left for work. the cats are keeping me company. i'm listening to The Click's livestream. i'm staying on the ride for now. but it's painful.


 
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/trump-misogyny-tiktok-reproductive-rights-us-election-b2643207.html?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR1pX9d4VDGwIHdvuFo6YsUlVAAKNizw76PYIMpdv4_TsHKcNEWfl5nV_y0_aem_edU5zsT5M0k8kYgSax6ilA








 

i shared these lyrics from the next song, "Fall In Line" by Mushroomhead:

"You're killin' me with all your sorrow
You're killin' me with all your lies (all your lies)
You're killin' me with all of your sorrow
You're killin' me with all of your lies
Killin' me, won't save tomorrow
Killin' me, won't say goodbye"

 

things i never thought i would end up doing for my own safety: order Plan B just in case i get raped in the next 4 years. yes, i'm on birth control. however, i can't risk it failing. my body is fucked up, to put it nicely.
 

 
okay, that's about it. yes, there are other posts i've made, but they're along the same lines. we're not okay. everything's on fire. and now i get to figure out how to deal with the holidays with people who voted for my and my friend's deaths. i need more soju

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