I didn't feel love unless it was painful

 so i'm still in the same depressive episode. it's kinda the norm now. i'm just existing. some days are good. some days are bad. some days are really bad. some days are really good. therapy's going good. got validation on how it's normal for some people to live daily with a suicidal level not at 0. typically those who were suicidal at a young age, so the brain's wired like that and it's hard to break that wiring. my norm is around a 3. i did get up to around a 6 for a bit. but i'm back at my norm.  in June i got to see Stray Kids live. it was amazing. i took over 8000 pictures and videos. i cried during Cinema, which was expected. i screamed "fuck" so many times. outside of the actual venue (Truist Park was a shit show and did not prepare nor handle the crowd properly), it was so much fun. i'd definitely go again. just hopefully they'll chose a different venue.    of all the pictures i took, this is my favorite. which is odd in and of i...

 yeah, i'm just gonna stop with the opening i've been doing. it's been over a year. i don't think it's gonna change any time soon. eventually, i'll get out of this depressive episode. hopefully. until then, i'll stay sane with Stray Kids and Ateez and the other music i can sprinkle in. it's not as bad, but it's no where near being good again. therapy helps. the world being on fire doesn't. but, on happy news before the shit show: i get to see Stray Kids live in June. got my tickets and everything. can't wait to feel their music. that's all i've wanted for months. yes, i can understand the emotions in the recordings, but it's not the same as being surrounded by the music. i just want to get lost and not have to think. i'm so excited.  in not so happy news: the world is on fire and the country is a shit show. the next 4 years are gonna be hell. and not in the fun party way. like, how did voters look at the options and decide a s...

edit [10/23/24]: i'm just updating the videos since the ones i used were removed. i'll leave the old ones up just in case, but i don't have high hopes of them coming back.  obligatory it's been 11 months of this god awful depressive episode. some days are better than others. therapy helps, but the constant bullshit at work doesn't. i'm in a toxic relationship with work and they keep trying to gaslight me. sadly, i know too much. weee i'm still staying sane with Stray Kids music. Ateez is also there. their music is working better than when this shit first started, so there's something. also throw in AleXa and a Day6 song in there somewhere. i haven't tried listening to my visual kei bands since i put myself in a shut-down depressive episode when i was explaining the difference between visual kei and kpop to my partner. that was not a fun day. i don't want a repeat. hopefully i'll be able to listen to them again. i miss JapanX and Versailles. b...

 i'll start with the usual. going into the 9th month of this depressive episode. this is the longest one i've been in since i was a suicidal teen. i'm still coping with music. still losing myself in Stray Kids and Ateez. Ateez doesn't hit the comfort button as good as Stray Kids, they still help. i'm also in therapy. that's also helping.   i have other things i would love to write about. like i had a good discussion with my partner about grooming vs brainwashing that i'd love to write down. but i'm in a weird headspace at the moment. so we're gonna go with weird headspace topic. basically this is gonna be Monster simping. a lot. way too much. for reasons i have no clue about. like, this has never been a thing for me. yes, i have kinks. yes, i'm a brat switch who enjoys it way too much. and, yes, i've been slightly deprived in that space due to the current depressive episode and not wanting to trigger memories and my partner not being comforta...

 so i will start out with: yes, i'm watching X-Men '97. no, i am not okay. they are evil, evil people. now that's out of the way, i am 6 months into my depressive spiral. 6 months into relying on music to keep me sane. yes, it's still majority Stray Kids. i have been able to add some Ateez into the regular mix. and i have been able to have small bits of non-k-pop listening. i'm not as bad as i was before, but i'm no where near where i was before november. i am starting therapy next week, so hopefully the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train. before getting into the brute of this post, some background. i tend to give things physical aspects in my head to make it easier to deal with. majority of the time, it's brain weasels. Dentist is the head. he's named after Hermey the elf from the claymation Rudolf. and of course everyone needs an Intern. other than those two, the main weasel is Monster. he's the ADHD weasel. really, he's a squirre...

 weeeeee. we're going into month 3 of music processing because childhood abuse. i have gotten better at telling people. i'm up to 4 who know some of the gorier details. still not up for going back to therapy. something about breaking the abuse test gets to me. it's easier to laugh about it. crying's too hard. too painful. all because the abuser wouldn't let me cry. that's right, kids. i was punished for crying. it's a sign of weakness. it's pointless. you have no reason to cry. i'll give you a reason to cry. so i became numb. i shut down. i forced myself to not cry. which means now it's physically painful for me to cry. every time i feel like crying, my first reaction is to stop it at all costs. all thanks to the asshole who raised me. who molded me. who made me his toy. his plaything.  but i have music to help. i can find my emotions in there. i can feel what i can't do. i can feel the words. feel the notes. feel the emotion. my brain can...